Instagram vs. reality
This year, I'm celebrating my first Mother's Day as a mom and here I am, posting a sweet photo of myself and my son, but there is much more depth and story behind the nice pictures that I take. Motherhood has been the most challenging thing I've ever faced. Loving my son came easy, but there were so many times this year when I cried right alongside him and didn't recognize myself or my new role as a mom.
My journey into motherhood was different from what I had envisioned and from what I saw on social media. Looking back, I realize that my views of motherhood, breastfeeding, body image, and more were idealistic. As a newborn photographer, how ridiculous of me to think I was going to be different and ignore what I already knew. Parenting is NOT glamorous, but I couldn't help feeling defeated and not good enough.
Just a Note: (When I post and deliver those beautiful family photos, please know that you’re not seeing the messy room behind me, the temper tantrum the 2-year-old had right before the photo, or the blowout the newborn baby had. You’re not seeing the dad who didn’t want his picture taken or the new mom who was still unsure how to hold her baby comfortably and was wearing a diaper herself but covering up her exhaustion with a smile. Sometimes, I'm worried that I'm part of the problem, delivering these seemingly perfect images, but I promise you, my clients say they're thankful to have the lovely photos, and they want them for their children to look back on. Sometimes, I sprinkle in some of the funny behind-the-scenes outtakes in a client's gallery so they can also recall how far they’ve come!)
back to the point
I remember sending my family a video of my son a few months after he was born. The video was cute and had me giggling. However, their responses were not about my son. Instead, they said, "I'm so glad to hear you laugh, Erin.” This broke my heart. I hadn’t realized I hadn’t laughed for months and knew my family was worried about me. I knew It was time to seek help because I didn't want my son to remember me crying or see me being angry and irritable all the time. I lost my self-confidence and would never want him to lose his. After all, it's my job to teach and help him gain self-confidence.
Since then, I have started therapy, and I also began to open up to other moms who, in my mind, had seemed to have it all together, but I soon learned they had all experienced the feelings I had or were often even worse. During therapy sessions, It was revealed that I had been suffering from PTSD due to my traumatic birth experience and PPA combined with intrusive thoughts.
I most recently began taking some anti-anxiety medication and have noticed a HUGE positive change. I never wanted to be someone who resorted to medication, but then I asked myself, would I judge a friend for taking medication? Of course not; I would support them. So, why not give that to myself?
So here it is; reflecting on my first Mother's Day, I'm going to allow myself some grace and, in Snoop Dog terms, say: “I want to thank me for believing in me, I want to thank me for doing all this hard work. I wanna thank me for having no days off." But seriously, I also want to thank my supportive husband, mother, mother-in-law, family, fellow mom friends, and therapist!
This past year, I have gained so much respect for mothers (especially my own!) I called all my friends who were mothers before me to apologize and say that I'm sorry if I wasn't there for them, but also that I could have never understood what they would have needed until I experienced it myself. The best response to this was to "pay it forward," and that is precisely what I have been doing ever since. I support and listen to friends and new moms who are my clients. I understand the emotions and anxiety new moms in a newborn session are feeling, and I approach them with sincere empathy and compassion to help them feel as comfortable and confident as possible. I'm there for the beautiful smiles and understand if Mom needs a moment while I'm in her home. My clients do not need to put on heirs for me; after all, I'm a parent and a NEW YORKER ... Haven't we seen it all!?
happy mothers day
I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all moms, especially first-time moms. I hope you are being showered with love and admiration for your hard work, the seen and unseen. Here's a virtual hug from me to you. I hope you give yourself the gift of reaching out for help if you need it. You are not alone, Mama; I'm thinking of you.
xox
